Personal Feelings
by Sarra Torrens
Summary: Dizzy learns love, from an unexpected source, Gossard One shot.


Disclaimer: I do not own Roughnecks Starship Troopers Chronicles. I do not own any songs that are in this unless I say so. :) Rated PG 13 Violence, and Romance.

Personal Feelings:

Author: Sarra Torrens

Dated: July 16th, 2010

_We believed that Bugs didn't know how to feel, Troopers did, and that was one thing I always took away from our missions, that we could conquer these insects with more than our weapons at our sides. Our hearts, and how we felt for our fellow man...or soldier.-From Robert Higgins Personel File at Fed Net._

It was one of the first missions the Roughnecks had under Lieutenant Jean Razak, as the others would say, Lt Hard..head. They'd been ordered to head to the tunnels to map them so that they could see where the lair was for the head queen bug, and blast it with complete accuracy. Rico hadn't been paired with Dizzy, even though he wanted to be. He pulled Gossard, Jeffery Goddard, Maruader Tech, aside, and told him in his ear, "She's freaked out by small spaces. You may have to shock her out of getting psycho. Do what you have to do." Jeff looked at Rico with surprised bright blues, and then swallowed and nodded. "I will. And I won't mention it to anyone. I promise." He whispered to his fellow soldier. He nodded. "Good." "Thank you." He whispered back.

It was hot, Gossard remembered. He ended up leaving the Marauder in Rico's capable hands and helped out Dizzy. She was greatful that he was there, but she was scared that she was dealing with her greatest fear. Her greatest fear, clausterphobia. But she didn't know he was watching out for her. He put a hand on her shoulder but she pushed him back. "I'll be fine." She said.

She smiled as she got in the hole, and faked her 'fineness,' with as much gusto as a soccer player trying for the baseball team when he didn't want to play baseball. Gossard cursed silently. As they got to the narrower tunnels, she got panicky, til Gossard told her, "Concentrate on something, you'd like to do when you get out of here." "When your back on Valley Forge." She smiled. She looked at him. "Thanks." She whispered.

He smiled. "Anytime." He went in front, and she smiled as she watched him get through the holes. She looked out for him as he got through to the big nest. She gulped as she saw the nest with all the bugs. "Goss..." He smiled. "It's alright, the others should be along not to long now." She nodded at his whisper. Dizzy smiled.

"Goss, I've never thought we'd see how many bugs can get together like this..." "Intel...I wanna kill 'em." He smiled. "Me too." He agreed. She smiled. She focused on what she was dealing with. The bugs were everywhere. She saw two people from the other two tunnels, then another two tunnels with two others were.

Dizzy heard Rico's dry voice on the other end of her mike system. "Yes. We're here, we're ready to go." "Same here." "Rico, this is crazy, but hopefully, we'll get to deal with this." She said. "Craziest plan yet, though Intel...sucks." He chuckled. "Sorry Bright Eyes." She rolled her eyes. "Okay, Johnny, lets get this over with." They set the charges, and Dizzy was caught up in the brain bug's mind until Gossard broke her of it. "DIZZY! WE'RE GOOD TO GO!" She nodded. "Alright! LET'S BLOW THIS POPSTAND." She said.

She got shocked as the blast knocked her back and she nearly cracked her head against the carved rock tunnel. She smiled as she felt arms around her. She was glad that Goss was there. "Thanks Goss." She whispered and got up and started moving again.

Dizzy smiled as she pulled her partner through the tunnels, and then got them to the transport as well as her friends. They all made it out, all except Zander. "NO!" "Zander!" She cried as she felt his mind tell her, "It's alright, Diz, let me go." "I love you." She screamed as she heard that and tried to fight to get back to the tunnel and having to fight Goss, Rico, Carl and Doc to try and get through. Goss caught her in the end. "DIZ! THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO! LET GO!" She gasped in pain. "ZANDER!" Gossard held her shoulders. "SNAP OUT OF IT DIZ!" She gasped in pain,and then collapsed against his shoulder and started to immediately sob.

"Oh God! Zand..." She sobbed and curled against Gossard's shoulder and he held her in his arms as he did, Rico came to Dizzy's side. "At least you know he did this for us, did this for you, so that you can keep his memory alive." She sobbed greater at that. She ended up passing out in Gossard's arms and wouldn't let him go, as he took her to the Barracks. He set her on her bed, and stayed close by.

He was there, until she woke again, and tears came into her eyes as she remembered. "No..." He held her. "It's alright." "I'm here." She smiled. "You should go." He shook his head. "Not leaving a friend in need of help when there is someone who needs me." She pushed him off. "I don't _**need **_anyone, Goddard. Your lying. Back OFF!" Jeff sighed. "Dizz..." She shook her head. "Never again." "Back off." She said. She then stood and walked away.

"DIZ!" Jeff said. He had gotten up, but her lethal stare made him back off. She walked away and went to the training simulations, and ran track for several hours. She wanted to run away from her problems she wanted to run from life, and love. She shut her mind to that. 'Not now.' She thought. 'Not now, not him not ever again...' She thought as she ran the circle at least for another thirty rounds. She was exhausted by the time she left, and she went to mess hall, she needed to drink and eat something.

She got something, and sat and ate alone, as she watched the rest of the troopers on the Valley Forge walk on by. She thought about her friend, her love, Zander, and wished things had been different. Dizzy sighed as she calmed down, and then flushed when she saw Gossard. She shut down her emotions as she came to the team. "What's going on?" She asked.

Rico looked at her. "We've got a mission. You up for it?" She heard him ask. She nodded. "Where?" He smiled. "Pluto." She rolled her eyes. "Coldest rock in the universe. But they're coming towards Earth?" "Damn. Alright." She said. She smiled as Rico did. Jean Razak smiled. "Alright Roughnecks, lets move out!" They smiled. "HO!" They hollared back. She smiled as they boarded the transport ship, and got to Pluto. She thought about Earth, with a smile, with her big brother Eddie, wondered how he was doing, and Gossard smiled. "Thinking about home?" He asked softly. She nodded. "Yeah." She said with a smile.

He nodded. "I think about my sister, everytime I think of Earth, too." She smiled. "We leave in five minutes people!" Rico barked and made Dizzy snap out of got to Pluto, and the frozen wasteland made Dizzy cold down to her marrow. She smiled as she walked along the ice, as Gossard went in front of her, as if protecting her, or helping her.

She hid the smile, but got to work, that was serious. She smiled in her head, as she looked at him, his towering frame almost sheilding her. She concentrated on the job ahead. Bugs were supposed to be invading Earth, she couldn't let her brother or her other few friends deal with what she had been dealing with for the last three years. She'd only been on the squad for three years, she realized that fact with wide green eyes. Then she snapped back to the task at hand.

The Bugs were waiting for them, and as they made an advancement, she saw Jaws and Flyers. They were about a hundred clicks away. "Incoming! A hundred clicks!" She called into her communicator. Dizzy smiled grimly as Gossard moved just in front of her. She started to fire as soon as they came within range.

Dizzy sighed in her head as she tried using her plasma cannon. She got half a several dozen of them, then she heard a "DIZZY!" She turned as she heard the voice, and saw the Jaws bug come for her and she thrusted herself to a point where it'd get her, not the rest of the Roughnecks. She wanted to save them, not be the Jinx of the squad and of the Valley Forge. "**DIZZY!**" She heard Gossard's voice nearest to her screaming her name. She smiled. 'At least he's safe, him, Rico, Carl...' She thought.

She collapsed with a smile on her face. "DIZZY!" Rico called into the hum of the guns, as he started for his friend, Carl held him back, and shook his head. "She'll survive, Gossard's got her." He said. Rico cursed, and started firing. Gossard held her, meanwhile, as Doc came to their sides in a flash. "Hang in there Dizzy!" Rico heard Gossard's voice call in the den of the bullets. Rico went pale, and started blasting almost haphazardly.

"We're MOVING OUT! TO THE BASE CAMP!" Razak bellowed into their communicators. Rico swore again, and felt ill himself, but maintained until they got on the transport. Carl supported him, even though he moved away. Rico had to figure out how he'd felt about his best friend since before highschool. He had to figure that out before it was too late.

They got out to the base camp and got Dizzy into a Tank. She'd looked aweful, but they didn't realize how bad she'd really been. She'd been lacking sleep, little food, had four cracked ribs, the Jaws Bug had gotten one of her major veins, and her appendics had been litterally eaten to shreds. She had lost more than three weeks of sleep, and maybe ate about a third of her meals that she needed.

Gossard, Rico and Carl had all cursed when they heard that information. Rico's dark eyes had flashed as he heard Gossard curse. "She shouldn't matter to you...why?" Gossard looked at Rico. "She matters because she's become a good friend, like all the Roughnecks, Rico." "She works her butt off to prove to the world she isn't a Jinx, because she thinks she is a jinx, as does other members of SICON. I don't. I think she's a wonderful person, and a hell of a fighter."

Those words made Rico's jaw tighten, and made the Sargent hightail it. Gossard went to Dizzy's tank and sat by it so that she wouldn't freak too badly when she woke up. He stayed with her and it took nearly four days before she woke up. Ninety six hours. She woke up, after Gossard had fallen asleep about nine hours of that ninety six hours and she smiled as he stayed there, and she woke up disorientated. "Huh?" She woke as she said that.

He woke to her thrashing. "Easy there kiddo." She smiled as she heard his voice breaking through her clausterphobia. "Goss?" "What happened?" "All I remember was the Bug..." She said, as she winced. "Easy. You, saved my life, kid." He said as she smiled. "I did?" She asked. He nodded.

"You saved it, and we brought you here, to Base camp. We were all horrified when we learned of your condition. You should've come to me Diz!" He frowned as he said that. She whimpered. "Didn't want to worry anyone." "I caused enough damage, would've been better..." He looked at her; shocked. "What?" "If you'd died? What about Carl? What about the rest of the Roughnecks? What about the ones who care deeply about **you**, Isabelle Flores?" He shouted. She looked at him, hard. "The ONE person that did, is DEAD possibly AT MY HAND!" She shouted back.

"Zander wasn't the only one who cares, Diz." "Not the only one." He started to walk away, slowly. "GOSS! WAIT!" She used the communicator button. He turned back to her, and gave her a small smile. "Yes, Diz?" She looked at him. "You...you..." He nodded. "Yeah, I do." He told her. She held herself. "You shouldn't. You shouldn't...love the Jinx...the Jinx might...get you killed..." He sighed as he put his hand to the glass tube of the Tank.

"You shouldn't think of yourself as a Jinx, I know I don't think of you that way. I think your good luck to the squad." She blinked back tears that were trying to form. "Goss..." she tried to express how she felt, but the sleep took over. "Rest, Isabelle Flores, rest with no dreams, good or bad. Sleep, and find peace to yourself, your soul." He whispered. "I will be here." He muttered, and went back to the chair. She heard his voice, and it calmed her first time in weeks, after dealing with Zander's death. She sighed as she closed her eyes. Her heart tried not to break as she thought of Zander again.

She didn't want to have to think...to lose him over and over again in her mind. She'd been exhausted when he died, and after that, she got no more than about three hours sleep a night anymore. Dreams penetrated her mind's eye. She felt Gossard's arms around her, and then felt as he was taken away from her. She screamed in her mind, but screamed out loud, and Gossard was there. "Easy. I'm here." She shook her head. "Go...go...please...Goss...if you go, you won't die...not because of me..." He swore. "Diz...I am a lot more stubborn than you are." "You can trust me." "Please,...it's okay." She beat against the wall of the Tank.

"No." "Go." He put his hand to the Tank. "Please." "Please..." "Let me...in." "I...love you..." She held her hands to her ears. "No. Go." "GO!" She pointed out. He sighed. "Just...think." He said as he left. He sighed as he changed into his work out outfit and started running. He ran the circle of track in the excerise room for hours. She tried not to but she felt like crying.

Carl came and saw her there, after Gossard had left. "Hey Diz." She looked up and smiled. "Carl..." He smiled. "He didn't mean to hurt you." She shook her head. "I hurt him...its the only way to keep you all safe from me." Carl cursed. "Diz...Dizzy..." she shook her head. "I should be a permanent member on the freaking frontlines, Carl, that way I'll die, and you all will be safe from the likes of me." She said. "Dizzy..." He said.

"I can't love anyone...not even after the war, if that'll ever end Carl." She said. "I'm a Jinx." "Always will be." Carl cursed. "Dizzy..." She smiled. "Don't try and convince me otherwise." She said. She closed her eyes. "I have bad dreams, constantly, Carl, of everyone I love dying because of me. I cannot cope with this anymore...Carl..." "I can't sleep anymore." She mentioned with a sigh.

"Dreams...haunt me, day and night, almost like I am a...psychic, because it becomes real...I cannot cope." "I...love, I lose, more than my own sanity Carl, at risk, the lives of those I love." She whispered that last. "That's why I hold the two of you, Rico and you, at arms length and the rest of the Roughnecks even further from my heart, so that I can't get them killed..." She whispered. She closed her eyes.

"I should be alone, Carl, because I would kill those I love, and that's why I don't hold anyone, close to my soul...my soul would tear apart,...if anything more bad happened..." "Since Zander..." She tapered off. "I only wish I could've said goodbye...didn't even get to tell him that I loved him..." Carl touched her tank. "He knew. At that last moment that he died he knew." She looked pale, and her bright green eyes almost turned forest green.

"Thank you Carl. I know, now." Carl looked at her. "He told me to try and convince you that he wanted you to move on, that it wouldn't hurt too badly." She laughed. It was almost dark. Shadowed, Carl thought. "He would wouldn't he?" She asked. Carl nodded.

"My dreams..." She said. Carl smiled sadly. "They could be just your subconcious telling you that your being paranoid." She heard. Dizzy sighed. "Maybe." "Find Gossard would you?" She asked. Carl nodded.

He left and found Gossard. "You'll see her?" He asked. Gossard nodded. "How do I help her, Carl?" He asked. Carl sighed. "Don't really know, just go slowly and let her lead. That will help." Gossard nodded. "Alright. Thanks Carl." He nodded. Gossard went in to see Dizzy. He sat at the chair, and touched the side of the Tank she was in. "I'm here." He said, making her wake slowly.

"Hey...Goss...I can't promise anything, other than making sure that I don't hurt you." She smiled. He smiled back. "Its alright. I am the same way." She smiled.

Smiling took a lot out of her and she fell asleep, at the sight of Gossard resting his hand against her Tank. "Sleep well, Diz." She slept. Hours later, she was checked over and released. She smiled when she was released as Gossard was there, and helped her to sit on her transfer bed. "Stay...near?" She asked. He nodded. "Right babe." He said with a smile. She smiled back. "I...love you..." She said as she closed her eyes. "Love you too..." She heard.

She smiled and closed her eyes, as he pressed a kiss to her forhead. She smiled as she waited and woke up, as the warrior in her was scared. She was so frightened, that she'd lose him. She squashed that feeling, as soon as he came to her, and kissed her forhead, calmed the thoughts in her head.

She was happy, for several years, and SICON didn't even look backwards once, and after the war ended, after all the Bugs were seemingly gone, she ended up marrying Gossard, at the surprising move as the Roughnecks, all of them, ended up coming to the wedding in full support, including with Rico. She was greatful and surprised. And happy.

In the end, they were all happy, and they were living happily ever after.

The End


End file.
